Beardo Wierdos

In case anyone is interested sexual services have not yet been resumed. Husband took the day off today and I thought he would delight me with a cornucopia of sexual gymnastics but no, he just needed to stay home to watch the Man U match. Ho hum, off to straddle a gourd ...

Now, let's talk beards. Of all the things in the world that are wrong one of the wrongest things is beards. Yes I know it is a fag to shave in the morning but doesn't anyone realize that beards make you, at best, look like a woodland goblin and at worst like a Son of Sam serial killer. I'm just sayin. I must admit I have never had sexual congress with a beardo weirdo and unless he regularly shampooed his 'stache wouldn't it be just about as hygienic as making sweet sweet music to a labrador?

The men shown below are not inmates of a mental asylum but are of course finalists in the 2009 World Beard & Moustache Championships hosted this year by the South Central Alaska Beard & Moustache Club in Anchorage. Fair dos, I know there's not much to do in Alaska apart from grow ridiculous moustaches but I'm wondering if these jokers could even get a job in the real world with these Rolls Royce sized moustaches?

If you are a beard fetishist you are very much in for a treat. So here goes, drum roll please:

First Place

David Traver
Anchorage, Alaska
Beard Team USA
South Central Alaska Beard and Moustache Club
Full Beard Freestyle

Second Place

Karl-Heinz Hille
Berlin, Germany
Berlin Beard Club
Imperial Partial Beard

Third Place

Jack Passion
San Francisco, California
Beard Team USA
Full Beard Natural

Other assorted lunatics


Willi Chevalier
Sigmaringen, Germany
Sigmaringen Beard Club
With his superstyled partial beard which NPR's Robert Siegel once dubbed a "hair pretzel" Willi Chevalier practically owns the partial beard freestyle category.



Elmar Weisser
Brigachtal, Germany
Swabian Beard Club
Elmar stole the show at the WBMC 2005 when his tribute to the host city Berlin -- his beard styled to depict the world famous Brandenburg Gate -- earned him the world championship title in the full beard freestyle category.

Am I alone in shunning the bearded? If you're a man have you ever grown a beard and if you did did you find it made the ladies avoid you like the plague? Ladies, have you grown a beard? Or if not, do you have a secret fetish for bearded lads?

For more beardo wierdos go here.

Services Have Been Cancelled Until Further Notice

Well things have taken a desperate turn around here. On Sunday I got back from church only to find my husband sprawled out on the sofa in agony with a frozen bag of peas in the small of his back saying he had tried to reach for something on a ladder and twisted his back. I think the reaching from the ladder was just the nail in the coffin as he had 1. given me a lengthy seeing to in various ridiculous positions the day before 2. we had carried quite a bit of heavy furniture out of an apartment that morning - him doing the lion's share.

The long and short of it is that husband is still in pain and is effectively on sex strike. He said no position will work not even me on top. I suggested dressing in a short nurses costume and doing a kind of perverted Florence Nightingale on him but he said, "I know you will just end up getting me in some weird position and I will end up in the ER."

So that's it. He is on sex strike. Which leaves me with masturbation. Except that masturbation is a bit like eating celery. You know how celery takes more calories to chew than is actually in the celery? And you're meant to get all excited about that except that eating celery is actually one of the least pleasurable masticating activities around. Same with masturbation. It's boring isn't it? You can't exactly surprise yourself with a new move. And as for sex toys, yes I will accept a dildo but anything that vibrates just gets on my nerves, reminding me somehow of a dentist's drill.

So please keep me in my prayers. I will not be drilled in the near future. My husband now wears those adhesive hot packs on his back and is back at work.

These are desperate times and require desperate measures. What am I going to do to relieve my sexual frustrations?

So you wanna be a Hooters Girl?

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you grew up?

I remember having no particular aspiration other than I always saw myself draped on a chaise longue in a leopard skin wallpapered apartment, smoking a cigarette in a long holder and wearing maribou mules. Sort of the mistress lifestyle without having to actually service the guy. And luckily I have achieved the 'professional reclining with box of bonbons' leisure lifestyle. Okay, okay, for five years the kids smashed and trashed the house but now I am making baby steps towards the maribou feather and leopard skin lifestyle and the house looks pretty good. Here's a photo hubby snapped of me yesterday:


Emma reclining with bare breasts. Ambition to be a professional recliner: achieved.

So my daughter Sausage is a bit of a social whirlwind. She has three hundred friends at school but does not like to do school work one bit. I asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up and she said, "A Grandma." This is because when we walk to school there are groups of laughing grandmas powerwalking and laughing together. I don't think Sausage understands that you have to work before you retire. She wants to go straight to carefree retirement. Don't we all?


So anyway, on the weekend we went to DC and walked past a Hooters restaurant. For those who don't know, this is a place that sells the usual greasy chicken and fries but is hugely popular for the hooters that hang out of the Hooters Girls' tops. So outside one of the restaurants, the Hooter Girls are hula hooping. Sausage immediately grabs a hoop and starts hula-ing. One of the girls says to me, totally serious: "She's really good at that. How old is she?"

"Five," I reply.


Sausage at her Hooters interview. Work that hula hoop baby!

The girl thinks about this for a while. She realizes, I think, that this is too young to start a Hooters career. Firstly because Sausage has no hooters and secondly because Sausage would probably not reach the table.

"Bring her back in twelve years and we'll give her a job." Not a trace of irony!

I try not to laugh. Like it could be anyone's ambition to serve greasy chicken wings and be leched at by patrons!

So what did you always dream of being? And did you achieve it?

Spare the Rod, Spoil the Girl

We've all been there, haven't we?

We are tall, red haired willowy sexpots and we have a 'boyfriend' who we have given a key to who lets himself in whenever he likes and has a permanent erection and is constantly boring it into our back and demanding sex.

Well, what happens is, we say enough is enough, that we have had enough of permanently erect men pestering us and we want, what else, an impotent man.

This is the premise of the rather tedious bestseller In Search of An Impotent Man by Gaby Hauptmann

At this point, the red haired temptress, Carmen, puts an ad in her local paper:

Wanted: An Impotent Man to Have Fun With. Limp dick essential.

What happens is she has dozens of men writing to her, all of them so pleased that some woman wants them, and that they no longer have to carry their drooping penis around with shame.

They also seem to turn up without ever having met her at her house carrying boxes of caviar, bunches of roses, long poems, paintings they've worked on for hours and invitations to visit their country chateaus.

To which I say, there is a very fine line between romance and stalking.

The bottom line is all the men in this book seem to compensate for their impotence by being terribly romantic in a way which no man is outside of a Mills and Boon novel.

Now, I remember about fifteen years ago, when I put an ad in the paper for a Lonely Heart. I remember getting several letters from men who did not seem particularly promising including:

1. Letter including several pictures of a very expensive red sports car. Had a date with the guy, a pug ugly balding barrister who was stinking rich and sexually repugnant. No.

2. A man wearing tight cycling shorts (yuck yuck yuck) standing beside some $2000 dollar racing bike. No.


3. A man who was quite funny but clearly unhinged who wrote me a very long letter with a fountain pen so that the letter was in ye olde english script about how he was a frog who lived in a castle who was pining for a princess. No.

4. A man who wrote a six page letter full of specifications he was looking for in a woman including long hair, an enjoyment of spanking during sex, long walks on beaches and an interest in Christian Rock music. No.

5. A squash nut who wanted to play nude squash. "The grounds are totally secluded," he wrote. "We will have total privacy. You have not known exhilaration until you have played squash naked.” Something told me going to a secluded house to play naked squash would end up with myself in a body bag. Also, think of the bruising from all that naked squash! No no no.

In short none of the men I caught in my Lonely Hearts net seemed remotely attractive. It all seems so clear in retrospect that I should have specified what I needed: an impotent man.

Anyway, I am half way through this book and I find myself getting a bit impatient. I guess the heroine is going to realize that oh yeah, actually er, sorry but she's just realized that she does want a good seeing to after all.

Yes, I do know you can have sex without using an erect phallus, but I have to be honest, how can you really feel desired if a man isn't getting an erection over you? I don't think I could even have sex with someone on Viagra because he would be erectionally enhanced.

Ladies, what do you think? Would it be a relief for you not to be asked for sex at inopportune moments like when you are changing the cat's litter box? Would you welcome an impotent man into your bed? Or tell him to take his useless appendage elsewhere?

Men, have you ever wished you were impotent and thus not ruled by the rod of steel to constantly want to put said rod into certain burrows and with the remaining time you'd have on your hands, maybe find a cure for cancer etc?